Mojo Tips: How to be American in 10 steps

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Instructions for how to be an American on Independence Day:

Hacksaw Jim Duggan1. Buy three pick up trucks, a Ford, a Ram and a Chevy. Apply a #99 sticker to the Ford, a #43 sticker to the Ram and a #3 sticker to the Chevy.

2. Road trip to a state that’s notorious for selling illegal Chinese fireworks. If they’re legal anyways, still drive to a state that’s notorious for selling Chinese fireworks.

3. Drive each truck through a river, preferably the great Mississippi. Creeks will also do.

4. Set up the barbecue (propane or charcoal) at the fireworks store and grill up some hot dogs. Apply yellow mustard to the hot dogs and eat.

5. Put the garbage wherever and by wherever we mean a trash receptacle.

6. Buy fireworks and drive back through the great Mississippi while holding lit sparklers out of the window because it would just look cool.

7. Park the trucks on the front lawn of a house and crack open a cold beverage. Watch people drive by.

8. Grill up some more hot dogs, give the leftovers to the dog and discuss the wrestling career of “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.

9. Set off fireworks from the bed of each truck at night. Leave the garbage in the front yard and pick it up the next day.

10. Go to bed content because you’re officially American.


Photo credit: accelerator3359

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